Not Just a Bad Dream
by Estel-Undomiel25
Summary: It's a different boy, but the same place. Alex's thoughts during that heartbreaking scene in "Broken Home."


Disclaimer: I definitely do not own Nikita. But that would be awesome. Quotes from Sean and Alex are from the episode "Broken Home."

Featured song: "Goodbye" by Apparat, Featuring Soap&Skin. (Played during this scene in "Broken Home.")

"You can love someone so much... but you can never love people as much as you can miss them." -John Green, _An Abundance of Katherines_

"It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you." -John Green, _The Fault in Our Stars_

Not Just a Bad Dream

Somehow, here she is again. The boy is different. She's older. But the same grey, hard walls surround her, the same harsh fluorescent lights filter down around her, tears are falling down her face, and worst of all, it's her fault again.

She cradles Sean's head in her hands as she remembers a moment from two years ago. Trying to save Nikita and to keep her cover, when Thom cornered her, she panicked. The look of betrayal and broken trust in his eyes when he realized she was the mole had hurt her, but everything was happening to quickly for her to even begin to explain. They struggled for the gun, and she shot him, denying him an honorable death by framing him as the mole.

And as she held the first boy who'd looked out for her, treated her with respect, and loved her, she realized they would never get to see if those beginnings of love work. Her secrets, her mission, and her quest to avenge her family had cost Thom his life. Nikita left, his heart stopped beating, and she was alone in Division again – just like she was alone now in Ops.

Michael had gone to rescue Nikita from who knows what Amanda was doing to her; Owen had apparently gone rogue; Birkhoff was trying to help Sonya clean up the mess she'd made; and Ryan was laying in Medical, still gravely injured from the shots she'd fired at him even has he'd pleaded with her not to.

She knelt next to Sean, who'd been dragged down by Division and Amanda because of her, forced to fake his own death and leave his sisters alone in grief. Now their grief was her grief, because here he was, dying in her arms, and it was her fault. She'd just been trying to save everyone, to save them for all those times in the past that she couldn't save those around her.

Despite her going behind Nikita's back, her friends' backs, _his_ back, to lead the rebellion that had gotten so out of control – he'd stuck by her, trying to understand why she was acting so strangely and feeling anger so deeply. He'd figured out that Amanda was behind it when no one else had, and with his dying breaths he's wishing for _her_ to find a way to get herself better, and to be happy again.

She yells for help, but no one comes. His trembling hand touches her face as they lock eyes, trying to hold onto everything they've lost that's about to fully slip away.

_Fold down your hands/Give me a sign/Hold down your lies_

"Hey," he says with a rueful smile. "This is where we first met." She smiles back, but she's so scared. They kiss one last time as Sean's eyes close, his hands drop, and he's still.

"NO!" she chokes out, rocking back and forth and putting their foreheads together. But he doesn't feel her kisses. He can't comfort her as she cries in the broken and utterly empty operation center.

_Lay down next to me/Don't listen when I scream/Bury your thoughts and fall asleep_

It's like the weight of all the tragedy she's ever experienced is crushing her. She screams "why" into the quiet, screams until her voice is hoarse and tears have soaked her face. She strokes his hand, remembering how it felt when he touched her, when he looked at her and refused to let her hide behind her towering defensive walls, when he finally realized he couldn't abandon her anymore and came back to a place he hated for her.

So it's a different boy, and a stronger, more permanent love, but the same place. The same person to blame.

_Find out… I was just a bad dream_

After what seems like hours, she kisses his forehead gently, then stands up. She can't wait any longer for Nikita and Michael to come back. She has to leave, she has to get out, because it's all too much and he's just laying there and she can't stay here anymore as his body cools in this dungeon.

_Let the bed sheet/Soak up my tears/And watch the only way out disappear_

She walks quickly to the elevator, her breath coming in gasps, tears still leaking from her eyes as if they will now never stop.

_Don't tell me why/Kiss me goodbye_

There's a feeling of complete grief in her, coursing through her body, threatening to crack her apart from the inside out.

_For neither ever, nor never_

_Goodbye_

Her face is fixed in an expression of misery, because this is her fault.

_Neither ever, nor never_

_Goodbye_

She might as well have fired the bullet.

_Neither ever, nor never_

_Goodbye_

She steps out of the elevator, not knowing where she's going, whispering a goodbye she was never supposed to have to say again.

_Goodbye._


End file.
